Note: I recently discovered this gem buried deep in my hard drive. As you might have guessed, it was written when I was very unemployed. And a bit desperate. I also rediscovered my old Tumbly blog: Skyscraper Vomit.
What I Imagine Human Resources Does Upon Receiving My Woefully Underqualified Resume
Lowers My Woefully Underqualified Resume onto her lap so Chad can see some cleavage.
Frets that Shrang’s My Thai Mango Curry Shrimp may have been ordered without that orgasmic Spicy Yellow Curry that makes Sharon (Marketing) silently cry.
Sends heartlessly impersonal e-mail rejection promising to “Keep Resume On File” before crumpling it into a ball and tossing at Chad to get his attention/flirt.
Decides that the Spicy Yellow Curry will justify today to be one of those days urgent enough to go Number 2, but promises to do it quickly so as not to seem like anything more than Number 1.
Wonders if they really are hiring here or just trying to muddle the hopes and dreams of confused young men.
Remembers not to ever forgive America for kicking Casey off Idol.
Takes a cigarette break to blame arm flab as reason for not yet being married.
Sends Chad a blatantly flirtatious e-mail posed as an interview call-back inquiry but not subtle enough to fool a goat with its italicized use of “lengthy qualifications” and “hard opening to fill.”
Asks Sharon to stop pretending like she doesn’t realize there are such things as personal bubbles.
Daydreams about doing Overtime with Chad and him just slaying her after asking to be his bride and never having to work again.
Thinks there should be a verb form of Chad (He chadded her in the restroom) and is prided by how she’s, like, such an individual.
Begins to worry because it’s been close to two hours since she sent that e-mail to Chad and not even a glance in return.
Remembers to put in a good word for Stephie-Poo because, like, how totally awesome would it be if Stephie-Poo worked here?
Stares at Chad until Chad—aware of her gaze and trying not to reciprocate—is forced to reciprocate by asking her if that SEO project is up to date to which she hears “Are you up for a date?” and responds “I’m totally up for a date” and attracts the attention of 87% of coworkers who heard the entire exchange and feel that brutal sting of awkward and pretend like they didn’t hear it until the silence of which forces her to reflect on what really just happened and rush off to the bathroom to cry a little bit and realize that her heartless rejection e-mail to me was accurate in its assessment that I really would be better off not working here.